shut up: tampon wrappers

I bought a box of Tampax Sport tampons, not because I actually play sports, but mostly because I hoped that wearing sports-labeled tampons would be an extra incentive to work out: "You bought the sport tampons, honey, now start playing volleyball or doing wind sprints or whatever it is girls with small boobs do." Like they would imbue me with fitness or something.

Not so much. Mostly they just imbue me with low-level rage that prompts me to begin the first entry in what will doubtlessly be a massive series of blog entries discussing things that vaguely annoy me. Because, okay: My Tampax Jock Girl Plugs feature sort-of-but-not-really inspirational blurbs on the wrapper, and I HATE THEM. Two recent gems, both from the same wrapper: "You'll always have halftime," and "Win or lose, play fair." Let's address the former: What does that even mean? "You'll always have halftime"? To do what? To say "Fuck this workout, I'mma go watch L&O reruns and eat some pasta"? I don't get it.

And then there's "Win or lose, play fair." Uh, the last thing I want to do, whether I'm on my period or off it, is be nice. It's just....it's just the sissiest, most second-grade gym-class thing to say. And it really kinds of adds insult to axe wound, because the reason I need a tampon is that I AM BLEEDING OUT OF MY VAGINA. I already know I'm a girl, Tampax, so don't bother reminding me with your sissy little slogans.

In a larger sense, I'm annoyed by inspirational sayings emblazoned on things marketed towards women. Menstrual products are some of the worst offenders, but I think that's because the only time we ever think about them is when we're on our period and therefore kind of generally unhappy. Those goddamn chocolate Promises things, too: I like chocolate a lot (not like the women in chocolate commercials, who look like they're having the world's most proper orgasm as they bite down on what is almost always touted as a "low-calorie indulgence," that heinous plague of women-oriented marketing), and I'd rather not have my chocolate-eating experience marred by someone's idea of an uplifting saying.